It is the Monday after Christmas. Daycare Cindy is off this week, so I am also off this week. It is great to have time away, and time with my children. All is quiet at 7:40 am. In general, we have had a quiet Christmas... which can be mournful to me actually.
We had a great Christmas Day with Mark's immediate family. We cruised up to Kelly's, socialized, ate and opened gifts! Everyone had a very nice time.
Beyond that, we have been here at home. I hear co workers and friends talk about heading to their parent's house, hanging out, and spending a few nights, even those that live nearby...and then I get a little sad.
You see if my mom were here (and well) we would probably go out to the country and spend a few days, just like everyone else. We would hang out and probably encounter quick visits with friends and relatives. (Who are are busy with THEIR family.) Weather wouldn't be an issue. We would do this and that. But alas, there is no where to go. I face this logistical fact every year, multiple times a year, and the long and the short of it is it makes me pretty darn sad - and really disconnected too.
It isn't so much that I miss our actual house at the farm. It is just that things are really different when your mom dies (even if it was 9 years ago). Today I miss her as "Grandma," when I use to miss her as "Mom". And...for me at least, the natural born 'gatherer' and entertainer of the family is gone. I don't know how to fill that role in my space and time in life.
My heart hurts deeply, because I always refer to the country and farm as home...and I guess it may be time to change my definition. But...I really am not ready...and I know I NEVER will be.
Mark has loved every moment of being at our home the past few days - the four of us. He even has today off too. We have had a nice time. A quiet time. I know Mark has truly appreciated it. Why can't I? Why can't I bask in M&D's simple play with their wonderful new toys here at home?
I must learn to appreciate all that I have. I also need to understand the Twinners will be a year older next year, and I suspect we will find more to do then ever, and them more able. I will also work harder to create new traditions for us in the years ahead. Maybe we can gather with Brett and Rachel, and have them spend the night sometime during the course of the holidays.
In the mean time, as I have sat here, thought, re-wrote, and wiped tears... the Twinners are awake - The minutes are slipping by.
Maybe I should make some sausage to go with the pancakes I think Mark may be making upstairs...
3 comments:
Life is difficult, isn't it. But it's a process. Hugs to you. Thinking of you.
Andrea...my mom has considered home the farm for years now...and she hasn't lived there (in Kenyon) in over 30 years now. You can consider home wherever you may or may not be. I will always think of Virginia as my home, even if I don't live here when I get older.
Love ya!
I have a friend who lived in different parts of the world because her husband's career moved them often. While in Norway, she wrote on her blog that as long as she had a handful of things (planting a growing thing, and the ability to make bread, and to be with her husband)... that was home.
Being the grown up is hard, isn't it? I thought it was going to be doing whatever I wanted and staying up late. Damn!
HHB
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