REFLECTION OF MARLYS. In my heart I know...

...what kind of a Grandma my mom would have been.

Okay folks, I am just going to let it all flow out, so click to another site now, or settle in...

I know it must be fall rushing in that is prompting my commuter reflections about GRANDMA Marlys to and from work these days.

Most of my blog readers knew my mom, but I will describe her anyway. Her full time job was "doing" for others. (And her "doing" often revolved around us kids first). In her lived life over the years, during the fall season she would have been in the shack at the grain set up dumping trucks. She would have been making meals for men, and cleaning up her big farm kitchen afterward. She would have been cruising the countryside from farm to farm meeting and moving vehicles with my aunt. She would have been baking huge batches of chocolate chip cookies, then letting them cool on newspaper on the center island, preparing them to freeze in Tupperware. She would have been heading to JoAnne Fabrics in Hutch to get material for Brett and my Halloween costumes, and then at the sewing machine in her basement sewing room late at night. She would have been mowing all the lawn, and the road ditch, and between all the trees, and my Dad's ultra lite runway. She would have been visiting my Grandpa. She would have been cutting some one's hair in a kitchen somewhere...

She would have been shopping for clothes and the needs for the season ahead for her kids....

If she were alive and well TODAY... I miss what she would be "doing" for Marly and Dean.

In the expressions that follow... PLEASE don't think I am being materialistic. My expressions are something I know and feel in my heart of hearts. 9 years and two kids later these feelings prompt pangs of grief.

I know she would have discovered my love for Gymboree and shared it with me. Looking back, my mom always dressed Brett and I neatly and nicely, for church and daily life. I had multiple church dresses for each new season (most of which she made). Brett had little dress pants and ties (his were bought). I remember going to Jandy's on Main Street in Hutch for new Weather Tamer winter coats. I don't think those exist anymore. I remember getting shoes at Buster Brown in Southdale. I had narrow feet, and this was the best place to get shoes that fit right. She wasn't looking for something trendy, nor did she seek out a fancy logo on the clothes, shoes, or coats. She was looking for a good fit and good quality to best meet her kid's needs. It took time to drive all the way to Edina to get me shoes, but it was important to her.

I highly suspect my mom would have geared up her Twinner grandchildren in Gymboree, Stride Right Shoes, and nice winter coats... and would have had fun doing it. If she didn't want to let my Dad know what she spent, she would have hid it in the trunk of her car (which my Dad knew anyway), or used her "hair cutting cash" she stashed in the cupboard above the stove. (In her lived life, some of it would have been from her dad/my grandpa...because she was often "doing" something for him, including cutting his hair or setting my grandma's hair once a week when she was alive.)

I miss how my mom shopped for me (and with me). And, I AM MY MOTHER'S DAUGHTER. I now understand I outfit Marly and Dean like my mom outfitted Brett and me! What a revelation (and a relief actually) to finally get it! For me to feel I best meet the kids needs, I take TIME, and make the extra stop, or go on line because I feel I am better providing for them (like my mom did for me).

I mourn how she would have shopped for Marly and Dean (with me and without me). I actually think my mom would have ventured into the INTERNET WORLD for the Twinners!!!

As I really delve into it, I mourn the TIME she would have given to help me support their needs, and "doing" for all of us. If she were alive and well, she would have learned how to navigate the route to my house in suburbia to spend time with the kids, she would have babysat, she would have stayed over to give Mark and I a weekend night out, she would have had us click in the car seats and taken them back to farm, etc. Of course... we would have been out at the farm a lot anyway. I miss so much the TIME she would have spent with Marly and Dean. (oh.. and Grandma's kitchen hair cuts would be SOO much cheaper then Kidz Hair!) When she was not with us, I bet she would have been at the sewing machine I now have creating something for the kids, or our home, and "doing" even more.

Thanks for letting me take a moment to acknowledge these feelings...(and the time that has been taken away from me.) I also want to acknowledge this is part of my difficulty with working full time. I want to be a "doer" like my mom was, and I don't think I can...

Oh good gracious... ENOUGH already. Back to reality please!